You better not die before you can marry me!! [...] If I can be of ANY help on that front, you know where to find me! Usually!!
[...] I promised to let myself be selfish and not completely hide from feeling bad at least once a month. Which is at least eleven times more per year than previously thought possible!!
Thank you! Mostly I'm going to try to sleep more and not forget to eat and try not to have a heart attack, so you're already helping with that part. The stress of everyone almost getting themselves killed by zombies almost killed me, too.
That's good! You shouldn't have to keep it all in. Let me know if I can help at all with that. Maybe we can smash some plates or something if that'd help you out?
I'll make sure you've eaten so much I'll sound like my grammy. [...] It's hard not to let the stress get to you sometimes, especially since there's a lot of pressure in your job!! I'm glad you're trying to at least be mindful of how much you're carrying around with you!
Breaking things might stress me out more, honestly!! Sometimes [...] I just feel like I'm the only one trying to find a bright spot, so when I'm having trouble finding it for myself then I've failed and it's time to spiral. Which isn't how it's supposed to work, I don't think!
I appreciate you! I'll probably fail at chilling out, but I can at least tell myself I'll try to be mindful. [...] You know, before all this happened, I was actually planning on taking a sabbatical once my contract was up. Probably would've gone home. I can't help but to feel like this Sisyphean nightmare of a job is my punishment for not taking a proper vacation when I had the chance.
I'm sorry it feels that way, but I understand. I think it's okay to let yourself feel [...] bad sometimes. That's being human. But also I understand what it's like when you feel like you're the one who's got to keep everyone else's morale up. It feels like you're performing all the time. It's exhausting. I hope you don't feel like you need to do that for me.
And don't get mad at yourself if you have trouble chilling out!! It takes practice!! Do you think if this had happened when you were on a sabbatical, you would've felt bad hearing that they were asking for help in Washington? Or is that one "what if?" too far when you're already neck deep in 'em?
You make me genuinely happy!! [...] If I ever feel like I'm about at my limit and all out of smiles for the moment, I promise I'll let you know, though. Not that it happens a whole lot!! I really do love spreading joy and keeping a positive outlook on things!! [...] I just also love to equivocate and make it seem like everything's handled so folks don't think I was lying about all that.
[...] You know, my sister was trying to get me to take an extended trip back to Georgia for my birthday around this time two years ago. ABSOLUTELY an attempt to get me a How Stella Got Her Groove Back moment post-breakup. Kinda wonder what would have happened if either of us had gone home.
I don't know if I've ever successfully chilled out in my life? Even as a kid, I was anxious as hell. And yeah, I would've felt bad. I feel bad about about every person I could've saved and didn't, even when it's completely illogical (that kid on TV who died of malaria in some country that I've never been to? that's my fault, somehow! thanks, guilt!). [...] My unshakeable sense of Duty has contributed to the ruining of every relationship I've ever been in. I've gone to therapy about it. I'm aware it's a problem, and I'm working on it. I still feel bad, though.
I want to make you happy! But I also don't want you to feel pressured to act happy if you're not feeling it! That's a lot of weight to carry all by yourself, and it isn't fair to you that you're always having to do that. You're allowed to have an off day! Let's share the load.
Do you think that would've been good for you? How do you think Georgia fared in all this? The only thing I'm sure of is that, regardless of where I was, I probably would've tried to help in some way. Might've gotten myself killed, who knows? Meeting you is the only good thing that's happened to me during all this, really. (Ironically, moving to Seattle was SUPPOSED to get me my Stella moment, but... lol.)
Probably doesn't help to say I find your unshakeable sense of duty VERY attractive does it? [...] But that's also coming from a fella who's been living in the apocalypse for a couple years. Does it make you happy when you're able to help someone, or is it more of a relief that you did your job and that responsibility is now taken care of?
I'm happy to share the load with you!! It's also hard to feel bad when I'm talking to you though. You just... make my heart feel lighter?? Even though I also said it's grown SEVERAL times since we got engaged, which feels paradoxical.
I honestly don't think going back to Georgia could've ever been all that good for me. I [...] was never really myself there. Even if I hope Georgia probably turned out pretty okay, considering they got the CDC in Atlanta and about a hundred times more guns than necessary in the rest of the state!!
I'm gonna be selfish for a minute and say I'm glad you didn't take that sabbatical, and that you moved to Seattle for a Stella moment, even if you had to wait a couple years to nab an older man instead of some hot young thing on the beach.
Well, I'm glad you like it, 'cause otherwise you probably would've told me to take a hike already! I think it's more of a relief, but it's short-lived because after that it's always on to the next emergency. It's like one of those cartoons where they plug a hole in a dam only to have five more leaks spring up.
I'm glad I can help you feel lighter! You do the same for me! Honestly, I had very little to look forward to until I met you, and now that I have you, I don't know how I'd ever gone without.
Do you feel like you can fully be yourself here? I can understand not wanting to go back to a place that'd set you back.
I think I got the better deal! I don't have anything in common with beachy boys. And between you and me, I was having an absolutely miserable time in Seattle. I was lonely, I was overworked, I hated it there. I hadn't really had fun in the past several years until I met you.
I love a man with a sense of purpose!! Though I wish it was a purpose that made you happy and left you with that feeling for at LEAST a full day before it started up again.
I'm gonna give you so much to look forward to. When I hear about you not being as happy before, I want to make up for it tenfold. You and your smile and your eyes when they're bright and excited fill me with so much joy already, I feel like I gotta jump into the past and fix you from a decade ago too!!
You know, I do? There's fewer expectations for me. [...] Alyce was is the name of the sister I've always been closest to, she's the last person in my family I talked to and all, but [...] even she didn't know I'd completely left the church. She just thought I'd found some nondenominational gay-friendly place with a worship band and a pastor who wears jeans or something.
See, now I wanna fix old you again. But I hope you're not lonely anymore, even if you're still overworked.
I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm glad they're alive, but there isn't a lot of time to dwell on feeling satisfied, and most of the time, they're still in bad shape, sooo... [...] Anyway, I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm glad I have something useful to do, but I wish I wasn't needed as much as I am, does that make sense? Like, if people could just stop hurting themselves for a day or two, that'd be great.
You already bring me so much joy just by existing and being yourself! When you're smiling, I can't help but to smile, too! You don't even know if you'd like the old me, before all this! If I went back even 5 years, I don't even know if I'd recognize myself.
I'm glad you feel like you can be yourself here! Alyce sounds nice, even if she was a little misguided. I'm sorry you never felt like you could be fully honest with her, though.
[...] I'm still a little lonely over here (I'm not an EMT or a firefighter [plus I'm older], so I'll never really truly be a part of that crew), but not when I'm talking to you.
It makes perfect sense! Honestly I spend so much of my time trying to find something useful to do and then get stressed out when I've got too much mending on my hands. Hard to imagine transferring that to mending people. [...] I really do think you're incredible for doing the job that you do. I'm also pretty sure I'd find you incredible regardless, even if you were just a humble cobbler.
How could it be POSSIBLE for me to not like the old you??? I don't know how I could ever encounter a man like you and not trip over myself on my way to falling in love.
I wish you could've met Alyce!! [...] To be perfectly honest with YOU, I don't know that I could've gotten up the guts to introduce you to the rest of my family. Around here I wanna stand up on the roof of the RV and tell everyone I'm in love with the most wonderful man in the world and I can't wait to marry him. But [...] well, as long as we're talking about our tragic flaws and how they ruined previous relationships, there's one of the big ones.
When we're married, I'm never gonna let you feel lonely again.
You're SO helpful, though. You're the heart of all this, and I'm not just saying that. You make the Quad a place worth living. And you know what? I wish I was a cobbler, because then maybe I'd get to spend more time with you.
I was like... A perky do-gooder? Maybe a little pretentious? And I didn't have a beard. I also had a lot of money and then felt bad about having a lot of money, so I felt like I had to do even more.
I wish I could could have met her, too! I'm sad for your family that their close-mindedness never allowed them to see this part of you. My parents would have loved you. They would have fed you so much food and asked you to make me go to church more.
I hope you'll never feel lonely, either! There are so many people who clearly love you, and I'm just one of them.
Maybe we can cobble together a little more alone time... (That was a terrible joke, please don't take back my ring!!!) [...] But thank you. For making me feel like I'm more than just a, I don't know, novelty?? For about a year there, that's how most folks saw us at least, and boy did that novelty wear off quick.
Hmm, you still sound like you, but with less facial hair and more anxiety. Or maybe just more energy for anxiety?? It sounds like you needed someone to tell you it's okay and put blinders on you, but I'm DEFINITELY not seeing anything I wouldn't like.
Oooooh I am SO good with parents, too. I'd wear a cute sweater with my cross necklace out and wind up getting adopted. [...] I'm glad I don't feel like I need to hide you from my family, though. No matter how much I told myself it was only about protecting myself and that no one else was getting hurt, it wasn't fair to my partner. Also, like I said, I'm about ready to climb up on top of this RV and yell about you so it would probably be real hard to keep all that secret.
You're my favorite though. And I hope out of all the people who love YOU, I'm your favorite.
Are you kidding? I love your jokes. Yes, all of them. All fun puns and joking aside though, I really do hope that once we train more Responders, I can maybe cut back on my hours a bit in the future. [...] It would be nice someday if I could just be a regular doctor instead in one place instead of running around on calls all the time. You are WAY more than just a novelty, though—can you imagine how much the world would suck if it was just a bunch of shitty survivalist libertarian guys running around with guns or whatever? I don't want to live in world without joy and art and hope and whimsy! You're SO important, and not just to me!
Less facial hair and more anxiety is probably a good way of putting it! I did have more energy, but also a lot more caffeine options! I was also kind of a pushover and a dork and I think I annoyed a lot of people with my Boy Scout energy. Now I'm more like some kinda creature that's been run over by a truck a few times.
Ohhh, they never would have wanted you to leave. They would have liked you better than me! I'm glad you don't feel like you need to hide who you are any more too, even if all the attention kinda makes me a little self-conscious.
You are! I love you so much, it makes me a little insane?
Do you think y'all're getting closer to accomplishing the dream of normal work hours? I love the snatches of time I get with you, and I'll be grateful for every last dang one of them, but it DOES make it easier if I know one of these days I'll have you all to myself. I'm also pretty sure there's whole SWATHS of Georgia and Appalachia in general that're full of those folks, so it's a BIT of a relief to not be trying to teach them about joy and art and hope and whimsy!!
It really is everyone else's loss if they couldn't appreciate you and your heavily caffeinated Boy Scout energy!! But I've also been told I've got squeaky clean Scout Leader energy, even if the Boy Scouts are homophobes who likely wouldn't appreciate either of us, so maybe we were both just waiting around for someone with matching vibes.
I just want you to realize how special you are... I could TRY and make my pronouncements of love and admiration a little more low key to make you feel less self-conscious, but when you're not around I DO sometimes just sit around and sigh wistfully so others will ask me if I'm okay and I can tell them how I'm just thinking about my future husband and then start talking about you. (I'm not optimized for low key!!!!)
Good insane I hope!!! And if I'm haunting your dreams and getting songs stuck in your head and THAT'S what's making you a little insane, try to break it to me gently.
[...] Honestly, probably not. But maybe someday! (I'm so tired! Breaking my own fingers is still an option!!) I'll try harder. I'm glad we get to have all that joy and art and whimsy all to ourselves! Although maybe if those other guys had some, they wouldn't be so anti-social and mad.
With our combined heavily-caffeinated Boy Scout energy, we could power the whole Quad! We'll make our own better, queerer Scouts! Suck it, homophobes!
It's ok, I'm not optimized for low key either! I assure you, any self-consciousness is my problem, not yours. I'll get over it.
GOOD INSANE!!! I love dreaming about you and getting your little songs stuck in my head.
Don't work yourself even harder in the hopes of one day having a break!! That's antithetical to your resolution!! Though I WOULD work myself harder spreading joy and art and whimsy if it brought more doctors and/or a sense of peace to the Quad (and world by extension!!), so one of us can still be overworked in order to keep us BALANCED.
And guess what, the Queer Quad Scouts have FANTASTIC merit badges and sashes in colors that aren't khaki.
Lordy am I glad I don't have to tone down my affection. If it DOES get to be too much sometimes or you're feeling overwhelmed and overstimulated and over-seen and over-everything and need to just sit in the quiet and not be praised for a couple minutes, just let me know!! The way your brain works isn't something you necessarily have to get over! I'm a full-on extrovert (I would be an absolute nightmare in an office!) and sometimes I need a reminder that not everyone wants a head full of other people and noises all the time.
You know, thinking about you makes me the opposite of insane... I feel kinda peaceful?? Like I just want to lay back and picture your face and your voice and the feel of your arms around me, and I don't wanna fidget quite as much.
I need to train more people to do doctor stuff so that I'm not the only one doing doctor stuff, so unfortunately I do kinda have to work harder in hopes of someday having a break. Although that is a great idea—maybe we can convince some to move here, but I don't want you working any harder than you already do. Don't be like me! Look how many greys I have! Undereye bags for days!!
Hell yeah! Khaki's a terrible colour anyway, nobody looks good in it.
Please never tone anything down! I would never bully you into being less You—I love you just the way you are! I love your extroversion, even if I can't always match your energy (I guess you can tell I'm overwhelmed and overstimulated a lot?). I try to force myself to be outgoing/funny/friendly so that people feel more at ease/like me/don't chase me off with pitchforks, but I think it comes off as a little unhinged sometimes? Meanwhile, you're a natural! So please, never think there's anything wrong with you, when the problem is always unilaterally me and my weird energy. I'm just built wrong! And the apocalypse has made it worse! So tl;dr: it's never you, it's always me.
I'm glad I can bring you some peace! Sorry if writing you like, 17 million paragraphs has made you feel any less peaceful, somehow. I get excited, blabbing at you. I'm not scared of you chasing me off with a pitchfork!
After seeing you work yourself to the bone back in November, I'll do whatever it takes to get you a little more help! I think I could afford a couple greys and some eye circles—it MIGHT even give me a little more GRAVITAS for the stage.
There ain't no off button on this sparkle, DON'T you fret. But I also don't want you thinking the way you are is flawed or wrong or anything!! I'll admit to having at least a LITTLE love-blindness (you're perfect and it's everyone else's loss if they don't realize that on first glance??), but I've also met a heck of a lot of folks in the world, and everyone's at least KINDA weird and broken in some way. Which I genuinely think is part of what makes this world beautiful!! Even now!! So your weirdness is just part of who you are and part of what makes YOU beautiful.
Niko Kostopoulos I LOVE your blabber and I want to hear every goshdarn word cluttering up that gorgeous head of yours. When other people ain't yapping at me, I'm yapping away in my own head, and I can get QUITE tired of hearing my own voice. I got WAY too many opinions!!
But makeup and imagination could do that without you hurting yourself! Seriously, don't do what I do!
[...] That's really nice of you to say, thank you? I gotta be honest, I've kinda always thought of my weirdness as something I have to overcome (and for others to learn to tolerate) rather than something, y'know, positive? I do wish I could sparkle a little more like you, but I'll settle for being able to bask in those perfect rays of sunshine of yours!
I want to hear all your opinions! Unfortunately the more comfortable I get, the more I talk, so please take it as a compliment and don't let me hog the entire conversation! Do you have any favourite records? If you had a signature outfit, what would it be? What's your favourite mythical creature?
While I got my doubts any amount of work could be more stressful than our year on the road, I PROMISE I won't run myself ragged. I MIGHT start hanging around the Lobby more to ask passersby if they happen to know any itinerant doctors though.
And I'll bask in your beautiful sunshine!! Also if you ever need to outsource chatter and schmoozing and all that extrovert business, you've got one on call now who would be just THRILLED to help AND thinks you've got a cute butt.
I keep on comin' back for more conversation don't I??? But okay, these are VERY important questions that MUST be answered before we pledge our lives to each other, so:
- Kate Bush's Hounds of Love, Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street OCR (1979), Hall and Oates' H20. - You know that purple sweater I wore to the first Summit meeting?? That, but in a variety of different colors. I used to dress like a youth pastor who's DEEP in denial about his sexuality. - Ooooh. Sphinx? A sphinx feels right. She feels like someone I want to know but will FOREVER keep her secrets from me. Also, I love cats!!
Careful, or people might start thinking you're building a doctor harem.
I really hit the jackpot, didn't I? Will you ask the restaurant for an extra pickle for me, too? Maybe you can tell me when my attempts at schmoozing devolve into trying to tell people unwanted lizard facts, 'cause I don't always notice.
They're very important! I need to know all these things about you just in case Whitney brings back game shows and we wind up on the Newlywed Game.
I love this. Excellent choices. I feel like I understand a whole new side of you.
You know I love the purple sweater and I hope that someday you do get to have it in every color. What does a youth pastor who's DEEP in denial about his sexuality dress like?
You do love cats! Are you also a fan of riddles? What about the musical Cats?
My turn? Hmmmm.
The Replacements' Let It Be (1984) (which had Androgynous on it, a Midwestern queer anthem!), The Breeders' Last Splash (1993), Fugazi's 13 Songs (1989).
I wish I could say it was the leather jacket, but I feel like now it's wearing a tailored suit at stuff that doesn't require it 'cause it's all I had on hand at the time.
Maybe a werewolf? I have a soft spot for misunderstood monsters. Wolves are actually very nurturing and devoted animals!
Yes, yes, and yes. But what I'll do is tell you to save the facts for me, 'cause I really DO wanna know the weird lizard facts!!
I think most of our competitors at the moment might just be dogs. If we're serious about this, we're gonna need to start setting folks up.
I should ALSO give credit to the Pet Shop Boys for understanding a 22-year-old me better than I ever could!! (It's a Sin might have changed my life??? Which is kind of wild now that I'm thinking about it????)
TOO many sweater vests, I don't know why I thought sleeveless knitwear was the wave of the future.
Riddles are fun, but I'm terrible at solving them!! And Cats... well, I've never seen it sober, and I don't drink anymore, so!! I'll pass on any traveling productions. SINGING it, however, requires NO alcohol and is a BLAST (you are, of course, MY magical Mister Mistoffelees)!
As for YOU:
You are immediately SO much cooler than me. I feel like I can SEE you at some grungy local concert because you're friends with the drummer.
Better to over-dress than under-dress!! And at least it looks good!! Folks underestimate how much just a little tailoring can do for an outfit.
You're so cute. Also werewolves are inherently queer-coded!! And I think at least one of the books I got you for your birthday is about werewolves!! [...] Lord I hope they're not like the werewolf stories Tegan asked me to read for them. Well, maybe not ALL of
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DM 1/2
Do you have a resolution for this year?? Or do you prefer to keep it private??
DM 1/2
Basically the tl;dr of it is I'm going to try to take better care of myself so that I don't die before I can marry you.
DM 1/2
[...] I promised to let myself be selfish and not completely hide from feeling bad at least once a month. Which is at least eleven times more per year than previously thought possible!!
DM 1/2
That's good! You shouldn't have to keep it all in. Let me know if I can help at all with that. Maybe we can smash some plates or something if that'd help you out?
DM 1/2
Breaking things might stress me out more, honestly!! Sometimes [...] I just feel like I'm the only one trying to find a bright spot, so when I'm having trouble finding it for myself then I've failed and it's time to spiral. Which isn't how it's supposed to work, I don't think!
DM 1/2
I'm sorry it feels that way, but I understand. I think it's okay to let yourself feel [...] bad sometimes. That's being human. But also I understand what it's like when you feel like you're the one who's got to keep everyone else's morale up. It feels like you're performing all the time. It's exhausting. I hope you don't feel like you need to do that for me.
DM 1/2
You make me genuinely happy!! [...] If I ever feel like I'm about at my limit and all out of smiles for the moment, I promise I'll let you know, though. Not that it happens a whole lot!! I really do love spreading joy and keeping a positive outlook on things!! [...] I just also love to equivocate and make it seem like everything's handled so folks don't think I was lying about all that.
[...] You know, my sister was trying to get me to take an extended trip back to Georgia for my birthday around this time two years ago. ABSOLUTELY an attempt to get me a How Stella Got Her Groove Back moment post-breakup. Kinda wonder what would have happened if either of us had gone home.
DM 1/2
I want to make you happy! But I also don't want you to feel pressured to act happy if you're not feeling it! That's a lot of weight to carry all by yourself, and it isn't fair to you that you're always having to do that. You're allowed to have an off day! Let's share the load.
Do you think that would've been good for you? How do you think Georgia fared in all this? The only thing I'm sure of is that, regardless of where I was, I probably would've tried to help in some way. Might've gotten myself killed, who knows? Meeting you is the only good thing that's happened to me during all this, really. (Ironically, moving to Seattle was SUPPOSED to get me my Stella moment, but... lol.)
DM 1/2
I'm happy to share the load with you!! It's also hard to feel bad when I'm talking to you though. You just... make my heart feel lighter?? Even though I also said it's grown SEVERAL times since we got engaged, which feels paradoxical.
I honestly don't think going back to Georgia could've ever been all that good for me. I [...] was never really myself there. Even if
I hopeGeorgia probably turned out pretty okay, considering they got the CDC in Atlanta and about a hundred times more guns than necessary in the rest of the state!!I'm gonna be selfish for a minute and say I'm glad you didn't take that sabbatical, and that you moved to Seattle for a Stella moment, even if you had to wait a couple years to nab an older man instead of some hot young thing on the beach.
DM 1/2
I'm glad I can help you feel lighter! You do the same for me! Honestly, I had very little to look forward to until I met you, and now that I have you, I don't know how I'd ever gone without.
Do you feel like you can fully be yourself here? I can understand not wanting to go back to a place that'd set you back.
I think I got the better deal! I don't have anything in common with beachy boys. And between you and me, I was having an absolutely miserable time in Seattle. I was lonely, I was overworked, I hated it there. I hadn't really had fun in the past several years until I met you.
DM 1/2
I'm gonna give you so much to look forward to. When I hear about you not being as happy before, I want to make up for it tenfold. You and your smile and your eyes when they're bright and excited fill me with so much joy already, I feel like I gotta jump into the past and fix you from a decade ago too!!
You know, I do? There's fewer expectations for me. [...] Alyce
wasis the name of the sister I've always been closest to, she's the last person in my family I talked to and all, but [...] even she didn't know I'd completely left the church. She just thought I'd found some nondenominational gay-friendly place with a worship band and a pastor who wears jeans or something.See, now I wanna fix old you again. But I hope you're not lonely anymore, even if you're still overworked.
DM 1/2
You already bring me so much joy just by existing and being yourself! When you're smiling, I can't help but to smile, too! You don't even know if you'd like the old me, before all this! If I went back even 5 years, I don't even know if I'd recognize myself.
I'm glad you feel like you can be yourself here! Alyce sounds nice, even if she was a little misguided. I'm sorry you never felt like you could be fully honest with her, though.
[...] I'm still a little lonely over here (I'm not an EMT or a firefighter [plus I'm older], so I'll never really truly be a part of that crew), but not when I'm talking to you.
DM 1/2
How could it be POSSIBLE for me to not like the old you??? I don't know how I could ever encounter a man like you and not trip over myself on my way to falling in love.
I wish you could've met Alyce!! [...] To be perfectly honest with YOU, I don't know that I could've gotten up the guts to introduce you to the rest of my family. Around here I wanna stand up on the roof of the RV and tell everyone I'm in love with the most wonderful man in the world and I can't wait to marry him. But [...] well, as long as we're talking about our tragic flaws and how they ruined previous relationships, there's one of the big ones.
When we're married, I'm never gonna let you feel lonely again.
DM 1/2
I was like... A perky do-gooder? Maybe a little pretentious? And I didn't have a beard. I also had a lot of money and then felt bad about having a lot of money, so I felt like I had to do even more.
I wish I could could have met her, too! I'm sad for your family that their close-mindedness never allowed them to see this part of you. My parents would have loved you. They would have fed you so much food and asked you to make me go to church more.
I hope you'll never feel lonely, either! There are so many people who clearly love you, and I'm just one of them.
DM 1/2
Hmm, you still sound like you, but with less facial hair and more anxiety. Or maybe just more energy for anxiety?? It sounds like you needed someone to tell you it's okay and put blinders on you, but I'm DEFINITELY not seeing anything I wouldn't like.
Oooooh I am SO good with parents, too. I'd wear a cute sweater with my cross necklace out and wind up getting adopted. [...] I'm glad I don't feel like I need to hide you from my family, though. No matter how much I told myself it was only about protecting myself and that no one else was getting hurt, it wasn't fair to my partner. Also, like I said, I'm about ready to climb up on top of this RV and yell about you so it would probably be real hard to keep all that secret.
You're my favorite though. And I hope out of all the people who love YOU, I'm your favorite.
DM 1/2
Less facial hair and more anxiety is probably a good way of putting it! I did have more energy, but also a lot more caffeine options! I was also kind of a pushover and a dork and I think I annoyed a lot of people with my Boy Scout energy. Now I'm more like some kinda creature that's been run over by a truck a few times.
Ohhh, they never would have wanted you to leave. They would have liked you better than me! I'm glad you don't feel like you need to hide who you are any more too, even if all the attention kinda makes me a little self-conscious.
You are! I love you so much, it makes me a little insane?
DM 1/2
It really is everyone else's loss if they couldn't appreciate you and your heavily caffeinated Boy Scout energy!! But I've also been told I've got squeaky clean Scout Leader energy, even if the Boy Scouts are homophobes who likely wouldn't appreciate either of us, so maybe we were both just waiting around for someone with matching vibes.
I just want you to realize how special you are... I could TRY and make my pronouncements of love and admiration a little more low key to make you feel less self-conscious, but when you're not around I DO sometimes just sit around and sigh wistfully so others will ask me if I'm okay and I can tell them how I'm just thinking about my future husband and then start talking about you. (I'm not optimized for low key!!!!)
Good insane I hope!!! And if I'm haunting your dreams and getting songs stuck in your head and THAT'S what's making you a little insane, try to break it to me gently.
DM 1/2
With our combined heavily-caffeinated Boy Scout energy, we could power the whole Quad! We'll make our own better, queerer Scouts! Suck it, homophobes!
It's ok, I'm not optimized for low key either! I assure you, any self-consciousness is my problem, not yours. I'll get over it.
GOOD INSANE!!! I love dreaming about you and getting your little songs stuck in my head.
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And guess what, the Queer Quad Scouts have FANTASTIC merit badges and sashes in colors that aren't khaki.
Lordy am I glad I don't have to tone down my affection. If it DOES get to be too much sometimes or you're feeling overwhelmed and overstimulated and over-seen and over-everything and need to just sit in the quiet and not be praised for a couple minutes, just let me know!! The way your brain works isn't something you necessarily have to get over! I'm a full-on extrovert (I would be an absolute nightmare in an office!) and sometimes I need a reminder that not everyone wants a head full of other people and noises all the time.
You know, thinking about you makes me the opposite of insane... I feel kinda peaceful?? Like I just want to lay back and picture your face and your voice and the feel of your arms around me, and I don't wanna fidget quite as much.
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Hell yeah! Khaki's a terrible colour anyway, nobody looks good in it.
Please never tone anything down! I would never bully you into being less You—I love you just the way you are! I love your extroversion, even if I can't always match your energy (I guess you can tell I'm overwhelmed and overstimulated a lot?). I try to force myself to be outgoing/funny/friendly so that people feel more at ease/like me/don't chase me off with pitchforks, but I think it comes off as a little unhinged sometimes? Meanwhile, you're a natural! So please, never think there's anything wrong with you, when the problem is always unilaterally me and my weird energy. I'm just built wrong! And the apocalypse has made it worse! So tl;dr: it's never you, it's always me.
I'm glad I can bring you some peace! Sorry if writing you like, 17 million paragraphs has made you feel any less peaceful, somehow. I get excited, blabbing at you. I'm not scared of you chasing me off with a pitchfork!
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There ain't no off button on this sparkle, DON'T you fret. But I also don't want you thinking the way you are is flawed or wrong or anything!! I'll admit to having at least a LITTLE love-blindness (you're perfect and it's everyone else's loss if they don't realize that on first glance??), but I've also met a heck of a lot of folks in the world, and everyone's at least KINDA weird and broken in some way. Which I genuinely think is part of what makes this world beautiful!! Even now!! So your weirdness is just part of who you are and part of what makes YOU beautiful.
Niko Kostopoulos I LOVE your blabber and I want to hear every goshdarn word cluttering up that gorgeous head of yours. When other people ain't yapping at me, I'm yapping away in my own head, and I can get QUITE tired of hearing my own voice. I got WAY too many opinions!!
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[...] That's really nice of you to say, thank you? I gotta be honest, I've kinda always thought of my weirdness as something I have to overcome (and for others to learn to tolerate) rather than something, y'know, positive? I do wish I could sparkle a little more like you, but I'll settle for being able to bask in those perfect rays of sunshine of yours!
I want to hear all your opinions! Unfortunately the more comfortable I get, the more I talk, so please take it as a compliment and don't let me hog the entire conversation! Do you have any favourite records? If you had a signature outfit, what would it be? What's your favourite mythical creature?
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And I'll bask in your beautiful sunshine!! Also if you ever need to outsource chatter and schmoozing and all that extrovert business, you've got one on call now who would be just THRILLED to help AND thinks you've got a cute butt.
I keep on comin' back for more conversation don't I??? But okay, these are VERY important questions that MUST be answered before we pledge our lives to each other, so:
- Kate Bush's Hounds of Love, Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street OCR (1979), Hall and Oates' H20.
- You know that purple sweater I wore to the first Summit meeting?? That, but in a variety of different colors. I used to dress like a youth pastor who's DEEP in denial about his sexuality.
- Ooooh. Sphinx? A sphinx feels right. She feels like someone I want to know but will FOREVER keep her secrets from me. Also, I love cats!!
Now YOUR turn.
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I really hit the jackpot, didn't I? Will you ask the restaurant for an extra pickle for me, too? Maybe you can tell me when my attempts at schmoozing devolve into trying to tell people unwanted lizard facts, 'cause I don't always notice.
They're very important! I need to know all these things about you just in case Whitney brings back game shows and we wind up on the Newlywed Game.
My turn? Hmmmm.
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Yes, yes, and yes. But what I'll do is tell you to save the facts for me, 'cause I really DO wanna know the weird lizard facts!!
I think most of our competitors at the moment might just be dogs. If we're serious about this, we're gonna need to start setting folks up.
As for YOU:
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